I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
