Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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