i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
