cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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