things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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