You just made me feel so damn special
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Randomize
