smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
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