OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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