and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
