Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
