It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
