He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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