just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
