My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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