I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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