My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
