I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Dear god my vagina.
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