Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
