We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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