i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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