my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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