So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
