Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
