capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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