Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
