so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
