Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
