have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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