I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
