We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
