: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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