You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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