i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize