counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
