You're completely useless in the revolution.
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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