a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'm like, not good at living.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
