Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
