I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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