I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
