so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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