ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
