You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
