Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
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