Will you blow on my dice?
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I just found puke in my bra..
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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