mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I can't turn off my feet"
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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