I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize
