I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
