Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
