Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
