If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
