I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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