I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
