dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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