I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
