how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
