Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
