Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
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