The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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