I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
